If they are ignored, they hate it. If they are adored, they detest it, frequently groaning about the pressures of star adulation. For convention’s sake, top-rankers in the popularity charts do scrawl their signature for autograph hunters. And they also say “Cheddar” or “Cheese” for their fans clicking them on cellphone cameras at airport lounges. Like it or not, though, the smiles are plain put-on paneer.

An exhaustion seeps through those multi-crore-earning profiles, they want to be left alone... and contradictorily, mobbed.
C’est la Bollywood. If stardom ensures star bucks-plus-15-years-of-fame, concurrently paradoxes and mysteries abound. How are so many believe-it-or-collapse conundrums possible I wonder? I wake up at nights from fitful sleep, sweating for answers, and on finding no answers, drift back to zzzz-dom.
For instance, I can’t fathom why a movie I’ve suffered through at a multiplex a day ago with just the ushers for company, is declared a magnum hit. Tickets sales are a state of mind perhaps. I can’t fathom why the breath of those who declare themselves as non-smokers reeks of Mallana cream (premium hash from Kulu-Manali, much in favour in showtown nowadays). And I can’t fathom why those international star concerts have stopped, as if NRIs all over the world had taken a joint decision on their boycott. Strange, very strange.
In fact, there are so many missing pieces of B-town’s puzzle that I can merely enummerate my top 10 bugaboos:

How come Abhishek Bachchan believes that he can guarantee a super-successful movie when he hasn’t?: Despite a hat-trick-plus of downers — Raavan, Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Se, Game and Dum Maaro Dum — it must be sheer self-confidence to state in print that belting out a hit movie is no big deal. Why AB Jr is still snowed under with plum projects is any trade quack’s guess. Unsolicited suggestion: act, don’t brag.

Are Salman Khan-Katrina Kaif on, off, on, off, like overused light bulbs?: Tabloid tattle indicates that the Khan has moved on to promoting Sonakshi Sinha and startlet Zarine Khan, in that order. Then, eye-bogglingly, Khan and Kaif pose for front pages, a coosome twosome, asserting that love, or something like that, isn’t a perishable product. Sweet? Can’t figure. KK is not sure of hitching up permanently with a man who’s almost 20 years older, Khan isn’t sure of anything. The plot thickens.

Why is Aditya Chopra under self-imposed purdah?: Either the producer-cum-director loathes the media or is convinced that it’s better to hide than to be seen or heard. Although, the 39-year-old scion of the Yash Chopra banner bakes up movies faster than chocolate brownies, he could be stymied by the assumption that he will always be identified with the cult romcom Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge. Or that he will be grilled about his private life. Read: Rani Mukherjee. Gratuitous advice: in a medium meant for the public, no point in playing Mr Invisible.

When will we be relieved of the denials on the (alleged) Amar Singh-Bipasha Basu recorded honey-talk on CDs?: Deadly and dusky BB is not pleased with the news reports of her well-prove-it-you-guys guftagu with Mr Singh. Excerpts from the conversation published so far, are quite cute and er, suggestive. Take a tip BBji: Forget ’em, like forgetting John Abraham. Actually the split after donkey’s years from John A is more intriguing. All accounts and hearsay assimilated, he’s one helluva nice guy, not possible to find a better option.

Why does Rekha persist in calling the great big love of her life, “he” and “him”?: Let’s give up on this guys, can’t guess, it’s becoming quite ho-hum-him.

Where has Raakhee Gulzar vanished?: One theory is that yesteryear’s gorgeous Sharmilee has retreated to the seclusion of her farmhouse on the outskirts of Mumbai. Another is that after winning the National Award for Best Supporting Actress for the Bengali film Shubho Mahuratam (2003), she doesn’t want to win any more awards. Yet another theory presumes that she doesn’t connect to the kind of films being made nowadays. She was last sighted at an anti-nuclear-proliferation rally! By the way, another actress — Tabu — who has also vanished, hasn’t been sighted at all.

Will Shah Rukh Khan’s super-hero bonanza Ra.One become a bigger hit than Salman Khan’s Dabangg or not?:
Okay, this is more in the realm of conjecture than an Agatha Christie-like whodunwhat. Yet nails are being bitten, suspense gathers as the special effects flick may... or may not include an interactive segment with the audience. Ulp, what about the cyberspace-illiterate then? I’ve toted up sleepless nights, hazarding whether each ticket-buyer will carry a punch-in gizmo to every show? And yes, will Salman Khan be invited to the previews to punch in?

Did Mahesh Bhatt slap Pakistani actress Meera or not?: Ouch, she says he did, he did. He says, I didn’t, I didn’t. Very annoying this, my cheeks are burning.

How come oakwood actress Dia Mirza is still in the business?: Or is she? Last mentioned, she was setting up her own film production company with actor Zayed Khan. Don’t know if that’s being gutsy or reckless, or both.

And last but not the least, will Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor wed and live happily ever after?: Currently, both are acting in Saif’s home production, the espionage thriller Agent Vinod, besides modelling (separately) for a brand of footwear. They’ve also been doling out non-committal PR answers about the prospect of becoming Mr and Mrs Ergo, predictions on their future are best left to the astrologers. After all, life can never be PR-fect.