kay, so you’ve heard of gazillions being paid as movie star fees. You’ve heard of directors demanding multi-crores as salary packets. You’ve surely heard of swanky shoots in the Swiss Alps so that the hero and er... his girlfriend can escape Mumbai’s scorching summer to scorch on the ski slopes.

And you might have heard of the creme de la creme of the star set travelling only by chartered flights. News items claim that Ajay Devgn possesses or will possess his private six-seater plane. And there have been instances too, of superbusy actors being flown from the deep outskirts of Mumbai to the airstrips closer to their homes in the Juhu-Vile Parle colony. Cool. Today those stories of superstars bathing in mineral water — to avoid infection, of course — are about as newsy as dog-bites-man.
Come to think of it, such indulgence shouldn’t be surprising. Moviemaking is a glamorous business. If stars don’t lead at least a somewhat hedonistic life, who will? To be fair to the B-townies, their lifestyles are nowhere in the league of their international counterparts. John Travolta owns an entire fleet of airplanes, Tom Cruise’s knee high daughter makes designer style statements, and Paris Hilton’s extravagances belong to the realm of horror stories.
Live and let ’em live. Terrific. But to clue you into a little-known aspect of showbiz, allow me to tell you that there’s a crazy amount of wastage. Often shooting costs of a film go through the roof. None of the expenses can be seen in the final product, so that when some films are reported to have cost over `50 crore and `100 crore, you can only roll your eyes heavenwards.
Here are just half a dozen of the elements in every film’s production which can be controlled if not avoided:

A posse of a star’s personal staff: The number of assistants required to do up a single heroine’s face keeps multiplying. One will handle the foundation, another will smear the lips, one more will hold the mirror, and yet one more will attend the star’s cellphone which rings constantly. Someone special is missing her. Once the face is ready, a trio takes over the hair fluffing, setting, bewigging, extension adding. A valet, meanwhile, hangs around outside the heroine’s trailer van. Her chauffeur counts the clouds in the sky. The valet as well as the chauffeur are paid sizeable sums by the producer, their daily wage and expenses. Everyone is. It would seem on the day that a heroine is shooting, she’s alone in the world... Once even the reputedly generous producer-director Karan Johar almost fainted on being given his heroine’s tab.

Wife, wives, kids, nannies, friend, relatives, neighbours: what they have to do on a film shoot remains a mystery. Yet they accompany the director/ actor/actress like Mary’s little lambs wherever they go, in one instance even Alaska. This caboodle restricts itself to posh hotel suites, watching television which they could have done on as big an LED TV screen at home. Raj Kumar Santoshi is notorious for his accompanying troupe and extra baggage. Strange, he should do this since he once assisted the budget-conscious Govind Nihalani.

Lengthiest lunch breaks in the world: Come 1 pm and every individual involved in the shoot, is incapacitated by violent hunger pangs. The morning 9 am shift has begun at noon because the hero arrived late (that’s a given, but for the punctual Amitabh Bachchan, Hrithik Roshan, Akshay Kumar among the heavyweights). Lunch takes at least two hours, with a siesta bunged in. Naashta breaks are a must, especially at 6 pm: chunky club sandwiches are spread, along with idlis, samosas, batata wadas, fish fingers and jalebis (sweet toothed rejoice). In any case, throughout the day, kind waiters have been plying fruit, tea, fruit and more tea on the big names present on the set. The eat is on.

On the spot dialogue writing: wonder why they call them bound scripts, even stapled ones will do actually. Now in nine cases out of 10, dialogue is rewritten or even reconceived. At times, the actor just doesn’t feel like uttering a particular line of dialogue (“Mood nahin hai,” he drawls or complains, “What is my motivation for saying this?”). The director’s assistants look ill since they just can’t keep pace of the changes. The director weeps silently into his handkerchief. “Phir, phir, itna creative intervention?” The producer gets fever. With the changes, the size of his wallet keeps shrinking.
The hero doesn’t show up: He’s hung over, has some issues with the director, or again, “Aaj mood nahin hai.” The day’s shoot is cancelled but, of course, the daily wage technicians and workers have to be paid. Ditto studio and camera-light rentals, not to forget the heroine’s make-up, hair, transport, and Jeeves posse.

“The costume doesn’t fit!” she thunders: since fashion designers show up at the last minute with a sarong, skirt or item number ensemble, the heroine or the guest danseuse is extra-fussy. There shouldn’t be a stitch out of place. Katrina Kaif is pernickety about her outfits. If not satisfied with the fit, hours will be lost or even days while the poor, underpaid tailor makes the alterations. Yana Gupta can also cry blue murder over her outfits. Haven’t yet heard of Jacqueline Fernandes screaming about her apparel… oh… but then does she wear any?

No cash: the financier hasn’t delivered the next mountain of dough. His super-financier is not convinced about how the project is shaping up. After all, its hero’s new release has just bombed. Suspense! The project’s put on hold, the crores spent already just go up in smoke. Wasteward ho!