For those of you who don’t know we are in the middle of a World Cup, a cricket World Cup, cricket was a game that was invented by a famous social scientist about four years ago. His name? Lalit Modi. In this game the purpose is very simple. The batsman, plying on very flat surfaces, goes on hitting the bowler until the poor bowler can’t take it anymore. At this point the bowler quits and becomes a commentator as was the case with Shane Bond or Shaun Pollock or Robin Jackman or Danny Morrison.
However, in this particular World Cup something else is happening — the unheralded, smaller, less significant teams are making a mark. This week, little Ireland vanquished mighty England in a match known as the “Battle of Britain”. Only in this version no Germans took part, though three Germans did admit of viewing the contest by mistake.
Obviously, since you
didn’t know who invented cricket, dear reader, you also won’t perhaps know about the smaller teams playing in the World Cup. So please allow me to, as the undertaker would say, “fill you in”.
Ireland: It is obviously the word Island misspelt. Location-wise it’s a small island near England which is itself is a small island near a smaller island which is Ireland. Or Ireland misspelt. The Irish hate cricket and this means that loosely under the law of transitive property, they also hate Mr Modi. With great difficulty they put together a team of 15 players. This was done only after convincing them that the final of the World Cup would be held in Goa. Twice!
Canada: This squad is made up of players who have largely never gone to Canada. However, all team members share something in common in terms of knowledge. They all agree that Canada is some place you go to only if you are first denied entry to America.
The Canadian team only met each other for the first time on the plane coming to India. Also, they all wore tags bearing their name in order to make others recognise them easily.
Sadly, this has often led them of being mistaken for hotel staff in the sub-continent. On the flip side, they’ve made up for their lack of match fees with the tips received, which in Canada are also taxable.
Team Canada is the only squad that doesn’t know their national anthem. They also don’t know which language it is in.
The Netherlands: They had actually sent three teams to the World Cup. The teams are a) Holland, b) the Dutch side c) The Netherlands. They are completely taken aback to find that all Indians are not diamond jewellers.
They have a secret code through which they communicate. This code is called Dutch. This team trains for the cricket matches back home by playing football, as there is no cricket equipment in Holland or in the Netherlands or with the Dutch for that matter.
The Kenyan team has some fine athletes. All their players are better middle distance runners than cricketers. After this World Cup they are the most likely of the four minnows to return to the sub-continent.
No, not to play cricket mind you, but for the Standard Chartered Mumbai Marathon.
Now, these four teams need your support and backing. Ireland has already shown what they can do, even though they still don’t know all the rules of cricket yet. For example, in Ireland bowlers don’t know an over has six deliveries, thus the bowler bowls till he needs a drink or till the batsman brings to his attention his wife’s stocking which the bowler has “mysteriously” worn.
Don’t forget folks India too, once was just a babe in the woods, not so long ago. Four years ago to be precise.
Until one man taught us how to play cricket. God bless that one man and send him quickly to Ireland, Holland, Canada and Kenya as soon as possible.