Recently, I got a call from a lady who may or may not be the now notorious Niira Radia. I got a clue about her identity from her introduction, she called herself Mrs Wadia. She spoke in a hushed tone and made it very clear that she was all for business. I got a clue about this when she announced first off, that this was “an all business call”.

She also hinted that certain foreign agencies were bugging her phone. I got a clue to this when she unceremoniously announced: “Listen, I think certain foreign agencies are bugging my phone”.
Anyhow I recorded the phone call, and I want to play it for you, (in an abridged version) let’s see if you can make more sense of it.
Mrs Wadia: Hello, is this Cyrus Broacha?
Cyrus Broacha: Unfortunately, yes.
Mrs Wadia: Okay, listen I think certain foreign agencies are bugging my phone, so let’s use code names.
I’m… err Mrs Wadia, and your...
C.B.: I know, I know. I’m Mahendra Singh Dhoni.
Mrs Wadia: No, no… no you can’t be.
C.B.: Okay, then I’ll be Sanjay Leela Bhansali.
Mrs Wadia: No. You can’t be a real, living person.
C.B.: No problem, then put me down as Chandragupta Maurya. (No relation to actor Dino Morea.)
Mrs Wadia: I don’t think. You understand me. This is not a game, agencies are tracing this call as we speak, you can’t be a real character.
C.B.: All right. I’ve got it. I’m Bond. James Bond.
Mrs Wadia: Stop fooling around.
C.B.: Okay, all right I give up. Who shall I be and please don’t make me Mr Wadia.
Mrs Wadia: You have to have a common sort of generic name such as Pandey, Sharma, Singh may be Shah.
C.B.: Got it. Finally got it. Your options are Chulbul Pandey, Ishant Sharma, Harbhajan Singh and Waseeruddin Shah.
Mrs Wadia: Out of the question, your name for the rest of this call is U.R. Singh.
C.B.: Don’t you mean I.M. Singh.
Mrs Wadia: No, I mean U.R. Singh.
C.B.: Yes when you say U.R. Singh to me it means I.M. Singh. So from my side, it is I.M. Singh and from your side you’ll say U.R. Singh “To which I would reply yes I.M. Singh”.
Mrs Wadia: We are wasting too much time let’s just call you Raju.
C.B.: Raju?
Mrs Wadia: Yes Raju. Raju Raju.
C.B.: May I speak?
Mrs Wadia: Yes. What is it? Quickly?
C.B.: Frankly I’m not happy with Raju. It’s far too common, and far too informal. I kind of like I.M. Singh.
Mrs Wadia: Stuff it. Either you become Raju or I disconnect this phone.
C.B.: Fine, fine. It’s your game anyway. I just felt that we both can do better than Raju.
Mrs Wadia: Can you just leave it alone, and let me speak… Raju?
C.B.: Raju? Oh God… err okay.
Mrs Wadia: Now Raju…
C.B.: Mrs Wadia?
Mrs Wadia: Now what is it?
C.B.: I know we have established me as Raju, but can you stop calling me that repeatedly, I’m really not enjoying the name.
Mrs Wadia: Okay. Fine. Now let me introduce myself properly. I’m Mrs Wadia and I’m at your service for a price of course.
C.B.: A price? All right then, how much to change my name?
Mrs Wadia: Okay now I’m warning you seriously. You had better stop with this name business… all right?
C.B.: (small hurt voice) Ok.
Mrs Wadia: I basically help many people together, not in the literal sense though. For example, if you’re a doctor, I help source out a patient.
C.B.: See, I don’t mind being the doctor, but what would be my name.
Mrs Wadia: For the sake of blood pressure, both yours and mine, I’ll ignore that.
C.B.: Well I just don’t see the point in being a doctor without a name.
Mrs Wadia: Since you are in the media business. I think I can help further your career. I can introduce you to the right people. I’ve already done this for John Abraham and Ranbir Kapoor.
C.B.: Now those are nice names. You don’t see anyone refer to them as Raju, do you?
Mrs Wadia: However, I’d like for you to think bigger or further.
C.B.: Now you have truly lost me. Do you want me to think bigger or further?
Mrs Wadia: I mean why be stuck in the same rut, instead of the media, you could monopolise some industry or sell arms and ammunition, or sit on highly profitable land or even perhaps, in time, run the country.
C.B.: Yes, but against all this, would I still have to be called Raju? I hardly think its an appropriate name for a Prime Minister. Deva Gowda and Chandrashekhar were bad enough. But Raju? I mean for God’s sake somebody has to draw the line.
Mrs Wadia: For the last time, get over it will you?
C.B.: I’m trying, I’m trying, but its just so hard (I break into tears).
Mrs Wadia: If you’re a visionary, a leader, a man amongst men then this is your chance.
C.B.: (Still crying) I am all those things. All those things. I’m just not a Raju. I can never be a Raju.
Please start this whole conversation again, because I don’t, can’t, won’t, will never be a Raju. How about a Raja?
Mrs Wadia: (long pause) Sorry, there is only one A. Raja (click).
And then she hung up.
Just like that. Did I throw away my chance to corner an industry? Build an empire? Even become a head of state?
I guess only time and the CBI will tell.