Something really odd has happened. I didn’t get the invitation. I mean, they invited me. They 100 per cent invited me, but somehow or the other the invite failed to reach me. I even checked at the British deputy high commission three days ago. I found an invite in the shape of a slipper for a leading parliamentarian, an invite in the shape of

a mobile for an ex-Union minister and a list of electrical appliances that had to be shut off when in England for the current Prime Minister. However, sadly, nothing for me. Amazing, because I have known Prince William all my life, although we have never actually met or interacted or even corresponded with each other, an invite would be, have to say, obligatory. Yet most of you readers were not invited either and I’m sure you’re just dying to know how the events unfolded on April 29. Well for you I have the whole nine yards, from my good friend Kunal Vijaykar who claims to be a direct descendant of William of Normandy (also known as William the Conqueror or Billy the Short depending, of course, on whether he was standing or lying down at the time).
Here is Kunal: “Long, long ago, or, more precisely, early this Friday morning I attended the church service for the soon to be wed royals. Prince William and that… err… girl. The prince arrived first, dressed in a Tarun Tahaliani Peshawari and ill-fitting trousers, which he promptly returned. He now reappeared in a tuxedo with what was either a flower, a tropical fruit, or a really small immigrant pinned to his lapel.
Beethoven’s Ninth mixed with A.R. Rahman’s Jai ho, until a member of the royal family, fed up with the whole business, had Rahman evicted from the service on the grounds that he had turned up far too early. As the prince took his place by the altar, heads turned back to catch the beautiful waif in the flowing gown.
The waif turned out to be Elton John, and he was told in no uncertain terms to switch clothes, as his gown was too similar to the bride’s. Elton appeal that he was a bridesmaid and should be left alone fell on deaf ears as subsequently did his rendition of Daniyal and Crocodile Rock. Things came to a head when he insisted on singing Candle In The Wind. A nonplussed member of the royal family deftly reminded Elton what his candle would do to the singer if he didn’t immediately shut up. Even as this matter was resolved, attention shifted to a wrestling match outside. Madonna, on seeing Boy George in an exact replica of her tube top, attacked him like a panther pounces on a buffalo. At first George tried to distract her by singing his version of Papa Don’t Preach. But as his rendition was far better than her original, it only incensed Madonna into inflicting further damage.
Meanwhile, the bride appeared to the tune of Desi girl, My desi girl. This upset Boy George who started singing on a much higher octave. This in turn resulted in 65 per cent of the guests joining Madonna’s side in the bashing, while the remaining 35 per cent cheered them on. In all this one figure remained calm, combing his hair and sucking his cheeks.
Now David Beckham may stand out on a football field, but here, amongst royalty and high society, he didn’t amount to anything special, especially since everybody at the congregation had had regular baths.
The bride entered the hall wearing a Dolce Gabbana, changed her mind and switched to a Stella McCartney. This resulted in a two-hour delay, as the only Stella McCartney dress was on Stella McCartney and Stella refused to wear a Dolce Gabbana. The matter was resolved when A.R. Rahman wore the Dolce Gabbana, while Stella hid behind a Giant Woofer for the rest of the ceremony. Once everybody was seated, they were asked to stand up. This act was repeated continuously for the next 45 minutes.
In a fit of pique Elton John retired.
Then came the speeches and the marriage service. After this everybody blessed the newly wed with gifts, except the Indian guests. The Indian guests exchanged visiting cards with the new power couple.
It was a splendid service and splendid evening. And like all great events, at the end of the evening Shah Rukh Khan performed.”
That was Kunal Vijaykar from Ol’Blighty. Meanwhile, I got a message from Prez Obama: “Thanks for not attending”.