Khalid Mohamed

Sometimes — why sometimes? — very often, I’ve been naïve or idiotic, or both when it comes to interacting with Bollywood’s biggies as well as small fries. Honestly, I should keep my mouth and mind shut.

I say this to exorcise at least four of the faux pas I’ve committed — mistakes which still make me cringe.
Since I’d seen Soha Ali Khan as a little angelic girl, I was quite startled by the gossip linking her to Kunal Khemu. Next, I’m sitting with her at the Sahar international airport lounge, en route to Cape Town. To make lively conversation, I started, “These gossip columns do make up weird stories. Imagine linking you with Kunal! You must be embarrassed.”
To that, she instantly responded, “Really uncle! Don’t know why they report things which are so weeeee…iird.” Aah okay, good girl.
Now last week, I read that the two are just about to live in at a new apartment. They’re in love, may marry, may not. And I dare not sit next to her at an airport lounge ever again.
Sonakshi Sinha I’ve seen add on inches, feet and kilos, ever since she was a bonny baby. Lunching at the Sinhas once, I’d drawled, “Heavens, you’re not seeing Ranveer Singh, are you? He’s just not… well… your type, no?”
To that, Sonakshi had said, “Really uncle, I wish the press wouldn’t make up such things.”
Uncle was in for a rude shock again. Next thing I know is that my moonh-boli niece and Anushka Sharma are battling over the attention of Ranveer Singh. Not surprisingly, I haven’t been invited for lunch at the Sinhas again.
“Hello, Manoj here,” said a slow-motion voice at the other end of the landline.
“Hi. You’re sounding so different? Are you ill?”
“No, I’m fine. How are you?”
“So, what’s up Manoj? How’s your feud with Ram Gopal Varma nowadays?”
“Who is Ram Gopal Varma?” Manoj asked expressionlessly.
“Ha ha! You don’t even remember him now,” I chortled. “Why should I? ” he continued. “Zindagi mein there are many better people to
remember.”
“But he made you a star.”
(Lengthy pause) “Excuse me. I’m a self-made star.”
(Lengthier pause) “Ohhhkay. So, what’s new Manoj?”
“You have started speaking without manners. You could call me Mr Manoj, Manojji or Manoj bhai. I’m like your bada bhai. Am I not?”
“You mean chhota bhai. You’re much younger than me.”
“Really? Thanks for the compliment, Khalid bhai.”
“Why are you being so formal today Manoj… bhai?”
“Have to be. Just wanted to give you the news about my new film. It is a revolutionary story... produced, directed and written by me.”
Baffling! I had to ask, “Whom am I speaking to?”
“Manoj Kumar. Why, whom did you think?”
“Manoj Bajpayee actually.”
The phone was banged down on me.
Similarly, I’d conducted an animated phone conversation with Shekhar, badgering him to make a sequel to Bandit Queen.
Abruptly, Shekhar inquired, “So, what’s happening out there in the Bombay film industry?”
“You mean you haven’t been in touch with your friends in Bollywood?”
“No.”
“But I heard you were at Anil Kapoor’s house the other day.”
“You must be mistaken.”
“Shekhar, are you alright?”
“Yes. Perfect. Why?”
“Er..whom am I speaking to?”
“Shekhar… yaar… Shekhar Gupta. Why, whom did you think?”
I’d met the editor of the Indian Express newspaper on board a flight to New York. We had promised to keep in touch. And see what I did? Grilled him about Bandit Queen 2. Ouch, ouch, ouch. After that Mr Shekhar Gupta hasn’t kept in touch.