Believe this. Every second day I’m requested on networking sites or in person by aspiring scriptwriters to peruse their “surefire super hits”, an honour which I have to either ignore heartlessly or decline politely.

Because scripts cannot be evaluated, except by those who have the crores of bucks to bankroll those dreams.
Be that as it may, all those intending to script and maybe even direct a movie, might learn from the 10 steps which have become a must in Bollywood negotiations today.

If a star is with you, rejoice. It doesn’t have to be the top Khans or Ranbir Kapoor. Currently, if Ayushmann Khuranna, the just-arrived Sushant Singh Rajput, last year’s student of the year Varun Dhawan, or Ishaqzaada Arjun Kapoor, have approved your project, you’re on. No more questions asked.

If all of them have said “no, never ever” — in any case their dates are booked up by the Yashraj banner till kingdom come — then just re-draft your script, by performing a gender surgery. Change the hero into a heroine and offer the role to Deepika Padukone, Priyanka Chopra or Vidya Balan. Nope, Katrina Kaif won’t do because she’s not yet established as a powerhouse actress. And Kareena Kapoor is married, reducing the prospect of grabbing eyeballs.

Or just get Kajol to play the hero. She can burn up the screen but she lights the matchsticks only for Karan Johar.

Ferret out a star son. They have an inbuilt market value. Trouble is that Tiger Jackie Shroff is busy. Sunny Deol’s son Rocky will be very, very busy once he’s ready to be launched. Vinod Khanna’s son Sakshi will require parental approval, of course. Plus, launch projects for star sons have to be love stories, blended with dance and action to show off their versatility. That means your script must be a showreel for the son. Kaho Na Zabardast Story Hai? Forget it.

Producers are multiplying — NRIs, politicians and business magnates who want to remain behind the scenes, but know that the entertainment sector is booming. These worthies will have elaborate lunch meetings with you but strangely, do not get back. Unless your agent keeps badgering them to convince them that you’re the next Rohit Shetty or Rajkumar Hirani in the making. Sadly, you’re not.

Carry along scratch music CDs. “Scratch” — meaning songs recorded for you — by upcoming musicians who just want to be heard. Producers never like scratches. “We’ll see,” they say evasively. “But tell us, do you know Pritam?”

Assure producers — including film corporate companies — that you could get the best technicians on your team: Cameraman, editor, sound designer etc. Not impressed. Who needs technical finesse?

Okay, when nothing works, say you’ll make the film on HD (the medium of the future and all that) on a budget of less than a crore. Not impressed again, the argument being, “But we have to spend at least five crores on the publicity.” True. “Don’t you have faith in me?” you ask plaintively. Immediate response, “No.”

Say you have the rights to make the sequel of Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag, and they’ll at least suggest, “Think of another sequel. How about a Chalti ka Naam Gaadi 2?” Positive response this.

Best advice: Just shut up and sit at home. Like I have.