Khalid Mohamed

Since time immemorial — and I can say that since I’ve been reporting on and reviewing films since I was in my diapers — there are severe misconceptions about what Bolly-journo’s life and times. And they haven’t altered right from the era of Amitabh Bachchan (which is when I entered the sin... scene), then on to the Khans (now that’s another story) to the jalebi-barfi ambience of Ranbir Kapoor today. So, here are 10 myths about the movie-journo tribe which keep setting my teeth on edge:

l “Lucky you... you must be going to so many parties and premieres”: No sorry... because the parties are hosted with a three-point agenda — publicity, publicity, publicity. As for premieres, they’ve become extinct, since filmmakers believe that other filmmakers will only bitch and spread bad word-of-mouth buzz.

l “Lucky you... you must be getting to see all the beautiful heroines like Priyanka Chopra and Katrina Kaif in close-up”: That I could do without… just see them without make-up and you won’t recognise them.

l “Lucky you… you are actually paid to see movies”: Go through a new release every week yourself and you’ll understand that it’s pretty much like a municipal janitor’s job.

l “Lucky you… you must have met Mr Amitabh Bachchan in person”: Ouch, no comments to that. As in the case of Lata Mangeshkar, you cannot say anything which is remotely barbed-wire about Mr B currently… let’s see for how long?

l “Lucky you... you must have be seeing lots of shootings-vootings at the studios whenever you want to...”: They never start on time, buddy. And a single shot requires so many takes… retakes... that cobwebs may grow around you while you sit on a studio set. Time isn’t precious out there.

l “Lucky you... you must have been inside Shah Rukh Khan’s bungalow, Mannat, at least once?”: Yes, twice maybe. So? It’s a house, not Disneyland.
l “Lucky you... you must have been invited to Mukesh and Neeta Ambani’s party at their Antilla mega-mansion?”: No, I wasn’t even invited, maybe because I’m invited once in a while by Anil and Tina Ambani.

l “Lucky you... if you don’t go to the parties, you must be going to the star-studded fashion shows, and sitting in the front row?”: Truth be told, I did go to one fashion show where Kangna Ranaut was to be the show-stopper or some such. But since I was given a seat in the last row, I couldn’t even see her curly hair. Haven’t gone after that, and not missing it.

l “Lucky you... you must have gone to so many international concert tours of our stars. It must have been fun seeing them dance right before your eyes”: Might as well tell you, it’s no fun. Indeed, I was aghast. At the London halt of the Awesome Foursome Tour in Europe, I was requested to be part of the six chorus dancers because the sixth had taken ill of diphtheria. I felt insulted, said no, cursed under my breath... and see concert tours have become history. They’re no longer held.

l “Lucky you... you must be knowing the innermost secrets of the heroes and heroines”: Yes, but since I’m a discreet sort, I’ve chosen to take them to my grave. Praan jaaye par terrible secrets na jaaye. So help me God, because sometimes I feel tempted to tell all...