I was just a teenager when I conceived Shahid. He was to be my first child and I was thrilled at the thought of becoming a mother. Back then, I was learning dance from Pandit Birju Maharaj and was his favourite student. Dancing was a passion and I’d travel around the world for my stage shows, even when Shahid was in my womb. However, all my dreams and excitement came to a crashing standstill when I realised that my husband, Pankaj Kapur, was seeing another woman.
While Pankaj lived in Mumbai, I lived in Delhi. I was fine with us living in different cities because though I was an established dancer then, he had just started struggling to build his acting career and I didn’t want to clip his wings. Above all else, I had complete faith in him. But then he quietly started distancing himself from me. Months would pass and Pankaj would never come to see me. He wouldn’t even come to see his own son. However, the day Raj Babbar called to tell me that Pankaj was in Delhi, barely two kilometres away from our home, shooting for a film with Supriya Pathak, it became as clear as day that he was gone forever. He was so close and he still didn’t bother to meet us. Soon, the demand for a divorce followed. It wasn’t the rejection that numbed me but rather the thought of suddenly being on my own with our child to take care of that got to me. For months, I lived in a daze.
I slowly got back on my feet and attempted to move on with my life. While dance was always the top priority for me, acting was also an option that was open. There were many great offers from filmmakers like Satyajit Ray and Yash Chopra but many producers wanted me to hide Shahid or send him to a boarding school as married actresses were a taboo! So, I turned down every film that came my way with the exception of Umrao Jaan. It was the one film that I genuinely wanted to work in but ultimately, even that didn’t work out. By then, I had to move to Mumbai leaving Shahid with my parents in Delhi, as being a single parent was very difficult, more so, because Pankaj never offered any monetary help.
It was during those vulnerable moments that Raza came into my life. I was barely 21 years old and we loved each other, but I put an end to even that relationship because Pankaj gave me a glimmer of hope that we could work things out between us. For Shahid’s sake, I had to give my marriage another chance and so I let Raza go. All I wanted was a normal family for my son, but Pankaj betrayed my trust and walked out on me unannounced for the second time. It was the toughest phase of my life. That’s when television came to my rescue and I signed Phir Wohi Talaash just to prove to Pankaj that I wasn’t finished yet! I wasn’t giving up.
I picked up the pieces of my life again and married Rajesh Khattar, but that too turned out to be a brief marriage. Now, I came to the point where I was only surviving on antidepressants, though I had two children who depended on me.
Years went by, but Raza and I are soulmates, and that’s the reason that love came back in my life. However, a woman always has to put her children and their needs before hers. I needed companionship, but my children refused to accept the presence of another man in their mother’s life and so I had to end my five-year marriage to Raza. Both our families were very unhappy with my third marriage and so we separated, for the children’s sake.
I stood by Shahid through all his growing years; even during his debut Ishq Vishq, I tried to be his pillar. As a mother, I owed it to him. I guess children will never understand their parents and their needs. Shahid too distanced himself and found a friend in his father. I never begrudged that, Pankaj is his father and I’m happy that they are bonding.
I have lived my life for my children. I agree I have made mistakes, but who doesn’t? A woman is always living for others — first her parents, then husband, and later children. I had a great career as a dancer, but personally, I never really got the chance to live for myself and I truly regret that.

As told to Reena Kapoor