Best friends forever
No, it was not a skirmish involving young schoolgirls. It was women in their thirties and forties squabbling over breaking up, making up, taking sides and solidarity. Yes, maturity is not a given and people do sometimes become even more childish as they grow up.
As we grow up, gain more experience and knowledge, we must also develop emotionally. Emotional intelligence is not a given, it has to be worked on.You have to school yourself into being more tolerant,equanimous and allow a relationship to flower more with companionship and spontaneity than burdensome expectations and tantrums.
My friend Anita was perplexed and divided. Good sense told her to move awayfrom this childish scenario and request her excitable friend Tanuja to remain composed and behave like an adult, but instead she felt traumatised and unable to stand up to her unreasonable demands and suffered avoidable distress.
Emotional demands can damage a relationship. Insisting that your friend spend all of her time with you; insisting that she give up her friends as per your likes or dislikes; that she approve who you meet or don’t, or that she endorse your other friends, is unreasonable and cannot allow long term growth of a friendship. It is not healthy that you hang around only one friend.
What about having to invite your close friend to every dinner and party you plan? For a friend to expect to be invited to your every party and create a scene or sulk if you invite her selectively is not normal either. She has to be large hearted and allow for independent decisions. If one of you is hurt about being left out, say it humorously and tactfully, without burdening each other with emotional blackmail.
Insisting that your friend invite you to every party, making sure that you make all the decisions about how you spend your time together and where you go when you go out, making them feel guilty when they spend time with other friends, making sure you win all the arguments, always insisting that your feelings are the most important — these are unreasonable demands and damage a relationship long term. You are setting yourself up the sure shot path to strain and anxiety where there is short term intensity and then potential for damage with a tumultuous break up.
Emotional growth through relationships, changing with changing responsibilities and priorities, morphing expectations and accepting differences is the path to long term happiness. Being too accommodating and being walked all over can be detrimental even for your friend, who needs to be shown the mirror and given perspective. Life presents other priorities than just social engagements. The way to a long innings of comfort and happiness truly lies in accepting differences, being cognizant of needs and expectations and having the space to express one’s frank opinion.
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