A disappointed crony confided in me about her disillusionment with her close friend. “I hadn’t allowed myself to see the flaws, assuming that they’ll go away. So what does one look for in a good, abiding friend? One that doesn’t become a liability, but is a source of succour and joy?” she asked me. That set me thinking.

To me, living in the world of luxury, the media and the glamour set, I must admit that I have often felt like the victim of agenda. I am a great target for upwardly mobile wannabe’s with agendas as well as publicity hungry sharks. I realised some time ago that I must be forever careful and prefer to fly solo than be patsy to the steady flow of social climbers in ambitious times. So, I will share some golden principles of how to choose good friends, and yes, they have worked for me.
The first rule is — no friends with agendas for me. Always put up your antennae and try to glean right at the start when you still have your objectivity intact, when a friend may have some hidden motive for your friendship. It is always more rewarding to have friends who fulfil you with conversation, company and a few laughs than someone being nice to extract something out of you or use you to meet other people you are connected with.
That automatically means I also try to avoid friends from a similar line of work where there would be a conflict of interest. Two Bollywood actors who started out as great friends and starred in many films together — Preity Zinta and Rani Mukerji. Today, after a fall out, they have an undeclared war of sorts. Their relationship turned sour in the process of perusing the same career goals in the world of Indian cinema, and this was also noticed by Karan Johar who cast them together in Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna channelising their emotions effectively. Director Satish Kaushik and Pankaj Kapur were good friends and co-anchors on a TV show where they kept the audience in splits with their unique brand of humour. But illustrating my trepidations of too close a friendship in the work place, they fell out.
Often a regard for similar values makes for a good friendship. This way, you don’t end up judging each other, because you are on the same page to start with. Although having expectations is not conducive to the best in friendships. There does need to be the feeling of support, as the saying goes, a friend in need. Shared moments of laughter are special, so for me, it works to have a friend with a sense of humour, a person I can laugh with and where I can be me. I gravitate toward friends with that non-judgemental acceptance of me for the great feeling of comfort this factor provides.
Since cheerful company is always preferable, and it is a no-brainer that you must avoid negative persons, try to avoid the self appointed role of agony aunt. If a friend needs you, of course be there, provide a shoulder or a kerchief for the occasional tear. And on your part, try not to choose to be a one-man NGO looking to alleviate man’s lot.
Friendships, like all relationships, need to be nurtured. Often people get married, and in the absorbing newness of the experience, let the stars of friendship grow distant in the matrimonial earth-moon orbit. Tread gingerly, evaluate carefully, take your time about becoming intimate, and yes, you can reap the rewards of an enriching friendship that lasts a lifetime.