I could hardly understand the rush of words pouring out from the other end of the phone. Renuka was furious with her mother-in-law’s admonishment, delivered in a superior tone of voice. Direction, interference, disapproval, unkindness.

She couldn’t take it anymore — she had just fought with her spouse over ‘his mother’. He was the cause of it all, her unreasonable anger declared.
“Are you buddies other than when you’re not getting along?” I queried. “Yes, when we’re not arguing — which is rare,” she admitted grudgingly. Big mistake, I said, to her utter surprise. The truth is that you cannot be ‘buddies’ except in rare cases, and the sooner you begin to realise it, the faster your relationship can flower into one of mutual respect.
The other mistake is that you confide in her and think she’s like your mom. It’s cordial formality that you must aim for, not try and become close confidants. She belongs to another school of thought and is bound to feel possessive when you’re numero uno for her beloved child. I explained to Renuka that she had become too fond of her mother-in-law and therein lay the issue. “There are other friends and family you can turn to for mentoring, comfort and advice,” I told her. It is always better that the confidant not be your mother-in-law. The relationship has to last for the rest of her life with you. If you refuse to enter into an emotional relationship with her, it will allow you to be more objective and compassionate. Whether you are in a happy situation or a state of cold war, polite formality is the best policy. Real politeness, not faked. Even if she’s being extra nice, keep it formal.
The fact that you are cold to cooking or disinterested in housekeeping are avoidable topics — keep away from them feverishly. Keep conversations to the weather. Nothing is as safe as the weather. Go into great detail about the intricacies of the air outside and avoid personal triggers that create conflict. If her interests are cooking and yours are accounting, attribute it to different tastes and a different generation.
Conflict is avoidable, but if it comes to that, stay calm, firm and walk away when tempers boil. Bite your tongue. Give yourselves time to reflect. If there are boundaries that you loathe being crossed, discuss them tactfully with her. Be firm, yet respectful.
There might have been times when she spoke about you to her family or even complained. Take it with a pinch of salt. She has only vented and let me tell you that it’s better she used them to show her angst rather than take it out on you.
The mistake we make most often is to not realise that a mother-in-law is a completely different person from us. To go into her skin it is very important to understand her behaviour and empathise than to take every conversation personally. She has begun to feel less important to her child and obviously has difficulty coming second to a new entrant. It is wise to be pleasant, formal, friendly and allow your lover or spouse to take the lead in the relationship with his parents.
Do not criticise her — remember this is his mother - but make that extra effort to win her respect.