As the now-infamous Indian diplomat in the UK, Anil Verma suffers a battered image and a firm image thrashing on his home soil, it is their neighbour’s courage to report it that has set the tone for a fresh debate in the country. However, the wide-angle view only reveals an insidious issue — that of social stigma and cover ups. While voices that matter may promise action as per the law, there are many important questions that need answering. Are there women’s groups who encourage women to speak up? Do bodies like the National Commission for Women make women aware of the importance of putting safety above stigma?
Anil Verma might have had his immunity to hide behind, but the limited prosecutions in domestic abuse cases in India or the lack of
precedents only goes to show the tardy approach of the authorities towards the plight of women who have been stabbed, suffer broken necks and endure burns. While the law enforcing agencies might suggest lack of reporting of the crime, the flip side is — why doesn’t the Ministry for Women and Child Welfare initiate a social conscience campaign that prompts neighbours, wives suffering in silence and children to report such incidents like in the West?
Many also believe that it is the Indian family set-up that prevents one from speaking up. Praveen (name changed on request) says, “My best friend committed suicide because of repeated physical abuse from the man she fought with her family for and married. He used to get drunk and threaten her with his cigarette lighter. She often had fractured arms and also suffered a broken jaw. Whenever she spoke to her friends or her mother, they blamed her wild streak for the same and asked her to adjust. It only ended in suicide and loss of a promising life.”
So, when families themselves try to hush up the thrashing as just an ‘anger’ thing or ‘it’s normal between couples’ type of attitude, is there hope for women in such marriages?
Salma, a renowned Tamil poet and activist, says there is hope. She asserts, “It is time women stand up for themselves. It isn’t abnormal to be single and happy. It is in fact abnormal to endure a bad marriage, especially one that physically hurts you.”
While long-held beliefs about wife-beaters being drunken men from lower echelons of society still continue to exist, the truth remains that aggression, disrespect towards women and disregard for the law is not class or stature specific. Palak Dua (name changed on request) chose to walk out of such a tumultuous marriage 20 years back. Sharing her story, she says, “I was a bank manager at that time and earned more than him. Twice he slapped me. When he tried it the third time, I retaliated and walked out on him leaving my four-month-old daughter with him. I thought he would come back and accept his mistake. But his ego was a major issue and we moved apart. Today I miss my daughter, but don’t regret my decision.”
Dr Kamal Khurana, a marriage counsellor at Purple Alley, says that the problem with our society is that we are very apprehensive in discussing such issues openly. “We talk about it when the situation is completely out of control. One should take precautions when the abuse begins,” he remarks and adds that physical abuse comes out of anger which is a secondary emotion. “The primary emotion is fear or suspicion and if that is not tackled properly, anger emerges leading to worse situations,” he says.
Dr Khurana comes across such cases very frequently. “The number has been rising by the day. And a lot of educated people also come in for help,” he says, citing the example of Rahul Mahajan, who allegedly beat up his wives (Shweta and Dimpy).
Sunanda Prabhakar, Chairperson of a domestic violence counselling centre in Bengaluru, says that she receives about 20 cases of domestic violence (from across the state) in a day. “Around 50 per cent of the cases are from middle-class, 25 per cent from the upper economic strata of society and 25 per cent from the lower middle-class.”
Sudha Ramalingam, advocate and National Council member for People’s Union for Civil Liberties (PUCL), says, “The woman must discuss the first signs of violence with family. I would suggest that the woman who is affected rush to the nearest government hospital or a Public Health Centre in rural areas, as this will ensure that the police are notified of the incident. It’s not always the ideal solution to call the police under such circumstances as they may take a while to respond, and at times the woman may not even be able to access a phone.” She adds, “It is imperative for women these days to learn self-defence techniques. There are sufficient laws to protect a woman who is physically abused, but what has to change is the attitude towards accessing justice in such cases.”