The problem with problems
Would you tell your mother if you are crushing on this new boy in class? Or would you tell your dad what your online friend told you last night on chat? Can parents ever know what their teenagers are really going through? Who do teenagers talk to about what actually goes on in their lives?
According to a study released by social researcher Neer Korn, who runs the company, The Korn Group, tweens and teens avoid telling their parents the truth about what’s happening at school or online because they often fear their reaction.
“I can’t tell my mom I have a boyfriend. There is no way she would understand,” says 13-year-old Smriti (name changed). Smriti bunks tuition classes sometimes to meet her boyfriend.
Agastya Bhatia, 16, says, “I bunk school. We sneak out of our houses late at night and go for drives, I can’t tell my mom all this. But it’s not harmful, it’s just for fun.” Then who does he confide in? “My elder sister because she does not get angry. She listens first. Plus she was a teenager herself a few years ago, so she gets it.” Agastya likes to have fun, but he knows his limits. “My sister makes sure I know where to draw the line,” he admits.
Some teenagers find it best to cope with their problems themselves sometimes. “I recently changed school and was having trouble adjusting. But telling my parents only worried them more. It’s comforting to talk to my parents, but often I have to deal with my problems myself,” says 15-year-old Pratyusha Dwivedi from Heritage School. Clinical psychologist Anjali Tolani says, “Teenagers not talking to their parents has been the case forever, what has changed is the problems they don’t talk about. Today teenagers are influenced by media in a huge way. Then there is the added peer pressure. That is why teenagers get into bad habits early. Teens must feel that by confiding in their parents they will not be judged, and that the parents won’t hold that against them.”
There are some exceptions like Sheryl Bernard, 15, who finds talking to her parents about almost everything very easy. “But things like boys and clothes are easier to talk about with friends, and my parents understand that and give me my space,” says Sheryl.
So maybe the best way to go about it is to build a relationship on trust, where you don’t feel judged, and your parents do not feel out of sync with your life. “The best way to approach teens is by being a friend, by building a relationship where one feels secure and by handling the situation delicately,” adds Tolani.
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