Ugly end of a beautiful affair
Yes! Break-ups can be greatly ugly, and the couples that loved each other unto death become sworn enemies. When my good friends broke up, I found Harish most dignified and silent, and yet his ex-girlfriend went to the ‘marketplace’ metaphorically shouting intimate details of their break-up, spilling details of give and take, sex life and personal issues that until then were sacrosanct, to the utter mortification of poor Harish. Anamika just managed to replace what was a wistful heartbreak with hatred and distaste in his heart. Earlier if there was regret and a sense of loss, it was replaced quite easily with relief and gratitude to be rid of the ‘banshee’ who might have been a harridan as a wife.
Why must a break-up be ugly, I ask you? A relationship that had love, giving, happiness, sacrifice, may not be for a lifetime, still it does not have to get ugly and resentful. You may not stay best friends, but it really does not have to get murky. Speaking badly to or about your ex will only give you a very short-lived feeling of misplaced joy. I’d recommend you observe omerta — a code of silence that prohibits speaking loosely or divulging information about each other that was shared in more intimate and vulnerable moments. Observing omerta makes for a fragrant wistful acquaintance with goodwill and shared memories that are happy.
When does a couple part ways? When your relationship problems are difficult to deal with, you know that you will be in a happier state when you are parted. The first rule toward an amicable parting is to stay silent rather than saying something hurtful. The vicious cycle starts when you dither and don’t make it a clean surgical cut. I’d recommend that you don’t linger in a long break-up that creates a neither here nor there situation. Moving on once you have both made up your minds also means putting each other on a limited profile on Facebook and not obsessively checking each other’s updates. A calm distance is what you might find comforting and amiable.
Give each other time to heal and allow wounds to seal than poke around at the soft raw laceration. And that definitely means not jumping into another relationship because all you are going to do is compare. That would be unfair to you and to the recent date, because he or she is new to your habits and needs, unlike the special someone who was most acquainted with the tricks and turns of your personality. You must also remember that a relationship right after your break-up is almost always a rebound where you are either proving a point to your ex or to yourself, and never for the right reasons.
Endings happen all the time all over the world. Acceptance is the key. The smoother, kinder way, for yourself and your ex, is to allow it to be calm, talk and discuss than shout and raise your voice. Once you’ve decided, do not allow a ‘maybe’ situation to creep in for your ex-partner nor in your own mind. If it hasn’t worked, chances are it won’t in the future either. Give it time and breathe.
The author is a lifestyle columnist and a designer.
You can mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com
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