You can tell that this article is being penned by a male when it uses the adjective ‘fine art’ to qualify the act of ‘procrastination’. It is one of those things that only a man can do for women, they just don’t know how to appreciate this nuanced inflection of the fabulously fainéant.
And yet I resolve to maintain a stoic stance as I steer this column to some sort of compromise, a piece of no-man’s land, where both the sexes can find grounds for mutual agreement.
So the question is, is procrastinating an acceptable defence for things that stand not done? Are women justified in raining their ire on men when they turn up having not done what was expected of them? And then, for the men, we’ll quickly analyse if there exist possibly sound grounds that could pass as justifiable excuses for the delay and, more importantly, going ahead could there be a way to put off the pending chore entirely?
First things first, procrastinating, simply defined, is the act of putting off something. I am pretty sure the word was invented by a man who intentionally forgot to attend to a task while trying to come up with a word to describe what he was doing. A brave man he must have been to knowingly incite the anger of his female master.
Having thought up such an intelligent word begged it to be used. So men the world over united to support this invention and decided to put off everything unconditionally and indefinitely and they held well till dinnertime. Then they had to return home and the wrath of their partners turn on them, and sear them like hot cinders dropped on butter from the sky!
That is how men the world over came to justify not doing anything — simply because there now existed a word to describe not doing something. There was in fact a verb as well as a noun form in a dictionary and this implied that it was definitely legit.
But was it righteous — and let me level with our women here — absolutely not! How can it be acceptable to put off something that is pertinent to be done now? Men are simply expected to carry out a procedure as instructed and not allow for time adjustments or variations.
Today men procrastinate all sorts of things — the odd tap continues to leak, the windows creak, bills may pile and do-it-yourself kits remain in their pristinely packed un-done state and yet nothing seems to make us men flinch. More than being irresponsible, I think it is a sign of superior altruism, an other-worldliness that cannot be achieved by the faint-spirited.
To not be drawn into menial labour that will barely function to define our existence on this planet, we men manage to elevate ourselves to a higher plane, where we momentarily distract ourselves with inane indulgences, like sports to FTV, all in an effort to remind ourselves of the futility of it all. It takes a real man to turn away and not let a creaking window not distract him.
In such, procrastination is not just art, it is charity of the highest order. Women, you may never understand this point, but the men don’t complain for they don’t understand the pertinence of doing things that you ask them to do either. It’s a classic agree-to-disagree scenario.
But therein comes hunger and every man needs to be fed. Food he may manage to cook but the emotional turmoil that is every male psyche will need a feminine tissue to resolve. From mothers to sisters, wives to friends, a man is a lost puppy without a woman’s solace.
And that is where they can get a guy to finally give in to their desire to do whatever it was that they needed done in the first place. The men don’t mind either; all the delay helps build them mentally to deliver at the painstaking task — from making the bed to taking out the trash. And just like that peace is reinstated on Earth.

The author is a lover of wine, song and other things fine