Haunted is a B-grade film that has tricked its way to the multiplexes (not that I care for them multiplexes, but that’s another story). The tricks here are from director Vikram Bhatt’s PR and 3D kitty — Haunted is being sold as India’s first stereoscopic 3D film. But strip those, squish the lone biting cobra and say “statue” to the flying bricks, and what remains is a musty Ramsay Brothers product.

Haunted’s main concern is old and manipulative — one gentle, pious lady’s izzat needs saving. To engage today’s audience in this endeavour, Bhatt throws in some time travel, a cute, budding romance and nominal 3D effects.
We begin in the present. Mousy boy Rehan (Mahakshay Chakraborty), US-returned MBA son of a real-estate agent, drives to a hill station to see through a deal of an old bungalow, the Glen Manor. It is worth Rs 200 crores, and his cut is Rs 4 crores.
But the signs are ominous: First, a chillam-smoking baba mumbles cryptic lines — “Tu hi hai. Tere se hi hoga”, then one servant of Glen Manor pops off, and the other two flee talking of a shaitan in the house.
But Rehan doesn’t believe all this supernatural stuff, so he goes to the bungalow, gets his Wi-Fi going and Skypes dad. “Dad, there’s some talk of pret aatma”. Dad: “Hmmm, whatever. Get the `4 crores.”
Rehan is sure there is nothing. But when he hears creaking doors and asthmatic breathing, discovers disembodied limbs and heads and watches one luminous lady first playing the piano and then dangling, he seeks answers. He discovers them in a letter from one Meera to her parents.
Eighty years ago, Meera (Tia Bajpai) was a pretty young thing who lived in Glen Manor and learned to play the piano from one Professor Iyer (Arif Zakaria). One day, when her parents and servants were away, Prof Iyer arrived at Glen Manor for a piano class. But finding her heaving bosom too distracting, he decided instead to douse his raging fires (his line, not mine). Meera grabbed a heavy metal candle stand and Iyer was dead. Dead yes, but not gone. Iyer became an ectoplasmic entity and because even in spirit form he was evil, he hung about Glen Manor, killed everyone in the house one by one, and then tortured and raped Meera, repeatedly. She was trapped, couldn’t leave the house, so she killed herself. Even then evil Iyer didn’t let go. His horny aatma is still after Meera’s tortured aatma, dousing fires and all that.
I have to add here that this plot element took me back in time, to the days of Manohar Kahaniyan whose editorial team often pursued stories of pret aatmas having sex with hot aunties.
Rehan, however, is not sceptical. He is overcome with empathy and falling in love with Meera’s photo. He must release her, he decides, and of course get Rs 4 crores.
Chillam baba reappears and the magical smoke from his chillam transports Rehan to August 1936. Professor Iyer is to arrive at Meera’s house to teach her the piano, and later try to douse fires. Rehan must stop Iyer. He fails. Next, he must stop Meera from killing Iyer. He fails again. Now the least Rehan must do is stop Iyer’s evil spirit from raping Meera. Else, the house will remain haunted forever, with Iyer chasing Meera eternally.
It is important to point out that in 1936, Rehan and Meera have met and are friends. She believes him when he informs her that he has come to save her. They even flirt over his cellphone (an instrument deserving some excitement in the Thirties) and dance.
Iyer’s evil aatma too is aware of what Rehan is up to. To throw him off, or just to indulge his other fantasies, in this time travel episode, Iyer takes the form of Margaret (Meera’s nanny, Achint Kaur), her long tongue craving a lick of Meera’s neck.
All this lesbian business in 1936 is too much, so Rehan goes to a priest, who sends him to a sufi baba who sends him to a kuan armed with some magical mud and water.
The climax, with half-way decent 3D stunts, is engaging. It has pace and drama and I really did wish that Iyer’s tharki aatma would leave sweet Meera alone.
Now, I am not familiar with the nitty-gritty of time travel, so I wonder: When boy travels to another time and changes things, what happens to the reality that was? Never mind.
Haunted doesn’t scare. It has a total of two jump scenes, including the cobra that made me flinch. But Bhatt does try hard to scare us with deafening, climatic music.
Haunted, which has traces of Madhumati, is, at best, a super-silly supernatural thriller that is laughable in the first half, but picks up some strength — on the power of love, rape and retribution — just before it is to end.
Mahakshay Chakraborty looks like he was born not just to Mithun Chakraborty, but also to Biswajeet. He should stick to chasing aatmas. Tia Bajpai is decent and bland.
I have a pathological hatred for 3D. Bhatt barely uses 3D here, except as replacement for a sensible story and half-way decent actors. But if I am going to wear two-kilo battery-operated glasses that dislocate my nose, I want more of those stupid 3D thrills. Chuck stuff at me, in my face. I deserve it.