We Are Family is a two-part bedtime story for children and other dewy-eyed creatures. Its Part 1 could well be titled Brave Mommy, Wimpy Dad and the Evil Witch, and Part 2, Brave Mommy, Wimpy Dad and the Cool Witch. What transpires in between is entirely predictable, very cloying.

Here’s a mildly exaggerated synopsis: Far, far away, somewhere in Australia, there once lived The Family — Brave Mommy Maya (Kajol), Wimpy Dad Aman (Arjun Rampal), and their three Golden Children, Annoying Adolescent Aleya (Aanchal Munjal), Geeky Boy Ankush (Nominath Ginsburg), and Little Pouting Princess Anjali (Diya Sonecha). The Family had no friends in this foreign land, but they were happy because they had each other, to love and to hold. Golden Children went to school, Brave Mommy packed tiffin, checked for dirty nails and boogers, and pretended to have a career in publishing. Wimpy Dad lugged around a camera and its bag.

Then one day, Wimpy Dad left home. He didn’t love Brave Mommy anymore, but promised that he would keep loving the Golden Children. The Family didn’t know that Evil Witch Shreya (Kareena Kapoor) was lurking. She planned to steal Wimpy Dad for herself.

Evil Witch took Wimpy Dad faraway, to an enchanted beach, where she tried to seduce him with wine and canoodling. Wimpy Dad began to forget The Family. But the next morning he remembered Little Pouting Princess’ first school play and dashed.

Unlike Brave Mommy, Evil Witch used to thread her eyebrows and was younger and fairer. Wimpy Dad was now in love with her and wanted her to be a part of The Family. Evil Witch thought that Pouting Princess’ birthday was the perfect opportunity to wheedle her way into The Family. So she arrived carrying the pinkest and most beautiful Barbie cake ever. Pouting Princess was delighted but Annoying Adolescent Aleya made a mean face. Angry, Evil Witch destroyed the cake, grabbed Wimpy Dad and flew off. Golden Children began to wilt, but Brave Mommy, who was also a little sad to see Wimpy Dad’s love for Evil Witch, saved them with her magical Mommy Powers. She told them that she would always be with them, hamesha and forever.

One day, Brave Mommy had to go to meet Muppet Doctor and Wimpy Dad too had to go away on work. So Evil Witch was asked to take care of Golden Children. Evil Witch took them to her mansion where she had a table full of delicious, warm goodies. But Golden Children saw through her evil plan and attacked her with spaghetti. This made Evil Witch very angry. She locked up all the food and made the hungry children do hard labour. Brave Mommy arrived, rescued Golden Children and banished Evil Witch from The Family.

But Brave Mommy, you see, had been told by Muppet Doctor that God planned to take her away from Golden Children very soon. So Brave Mommy used her special powers to get Wimpy Dad back to The Family, and after some fun and games with water and paints, Brave Mommy told Golden Children about how bad germs were killing all the good soldiers in her body. Golden Children hugged Brave Mommy and went to sleep. End of Part 1.

Brave Mommy was growing old and weak. She was worried about her Golden Children. Wimpy Dad, she knew, was incapable. So Brave Mommy went to Evil Witch’s mansion and asked her if she would like to turn into a Brave Mommy just like her. Evil Witch began to retch at the thought of a life without expensive dresses and exciting nightlife. But somewhere in her evil heart lived a strong and caring Brave Mommy who craved love and The Family.

Brave Mommy began Evil Witch’s training, while Wimpy Dad skulked around, stopping sometimes to plat a kiss on the nearest available forehead. Brave Mommy was happy that Evil Witch was learning fast, but she was also scared that her Golden Children would forget her and love Evil Witch who was fast turning into a Cool Witch...

WE ARE FAMILY is a legit copy of a Hollywood film, Stepmom. But you already knew that. So why do you think producer Karan Johar had to buy a Hollywood script? Collective creative constipation in Bollywood, perhaps. But why this soppy script when surely other more interesting ones were available? Because, in India, Ma is very important, and Stepmom offered a double bonanza. And, of course, because here was a chance to cast India’s two sweethearts together, and then turn on the taps by slowly killing off one.

Not counting the silly shaadi and Diwali in the end, and that here we have three children instead of two and some venue changes, We Are Family’s plot and scenes are mostly faithful to Stepmom. But the personality and mental age of the two films is totally different. Stepmom was made for adults, while WAF is aimed at all those prone to drooling and baby talk. The other difference, of course, is that Stepmom had Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon and a soul.

While watching WAF, for a second I thought that film may be doing some service to second marriages. But this film is not interested in anything of the sort. It hardly shows Kareena and Arjun Rampal together and when it does, in the beginning, it immediately clarifies that it is not interested in any adult romance by handing Shreya a bottle of champagne and leading her to a cosy bedroom, only to shock her with a Polaroid picture of three children.

The other thing WAF is not interested in are men. They don’t count. The film allows relationships only between women — Shreya, Maya, Anjali and Aleya. Arjun Rampal appears only to apologise, and though Nominath Ginsburg has two nice dialogues, I was worried that he may be often slipping off into the garden to eat worms.

Given the maudlin story, first-time director Siddharth P. Malhotra and all his actors have done a fairly decent job. Not counting Arjun Rampal’s diction, of course, which is beyond redemption.

We Are Family looks good, as all things wheeled out of the House of KJo do. The decor is elegant and women wear interesting clothes matched with must-have accessories. The kids are cute and jolly, the heroines have glossy hair, pearly complexion and the hero is a pin-up boy for all shades of hetero and homo walls. But WAF is a soulless affair. The funny fights, the hugging and the weeping just didn’t draw me in. I didn’t care about anyone here. It was all so antiseptic.