Gloom doom: yuckplosives ahead. On a besieged train from London to Glasgow, you meet three, max four passengers who could be blown to smithereens any minute.

One is a cool-cucumber girl whose dad, Asian of course, coincidentally controls train operations. Another is a blondie who yells with joy, “We will survive, the bomber is dead.” She’s mistaken. And there is Kerala’s superstar Mohanlal who, portraying a rail supervisor (methinks), reduced, alas, to the part of trainee junior artiste. Sad, sniff, sob.
The rest of the verge-on-extinction crowd is a blur in Priyadarshan’s Tezz, “inspired and perspired” by Speed, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, and Bullet Train. The low-concept thriller doesn’t make sense actually: why should anyone but blinkered producers invest crores and time (theirs and ours) in a recycled watchamacallit guaranteed to make you snore in your seat. Eeeps.
Since the Hollywood originals are just at the distance of a TV, why in the name of Beelzebub should you watch a regurgitated no-brainer?
Just re-see Keanu Reeves doing his heroic number on a bus, or for some retro-kicks, rewind to B.R. Chopra’s Burning Train which can at least boast of big name stars striving to save themselves from
getting deep-fried. Sizzle fizzle.
Now Robin Bhatt’s screenplay and director Priyadarshan (by the way, why does he insist on crediting himself with the legend “filmed by”) serve cola which has gone way beyond its expiry date. Unless you count the sturdy and committed performance by Anil Kapoor as a no-nonsense cop, and a gratifyingly low-key one by Ajay Devgn as a desperado bomber. The two actors know their jobs, ditto Boman Irani. As for the rest, ha ha, from the evidence here, absolutely debatable. Particularly, a hammy Heeeendi-speaking British police chief, who hollers at the rule-breaking cop, “Who do you think you are? Dirty Harry?” That unmakes your day, really.
So does the plot, a masterpiece of loose ends and implausibilities. Shuffle over, then, to the railway traffic control cabin in London where its chief (Boman Irani) of Indian origin, with a pancaked assistant (also Indian origin), just about averts a collision of a Glasgow-bound train. Chief’s cutie pie daughter is on board, a device to whip up emotional frisson. Sorry, no go, even if his estranged wife goes frantic on hearing the news. Cliché ho! Enter the cop (Anil Kapoor), retired for some opaque reason, but compelled to come back in the line of duty. So what if he’s called dirty names like Tom, Dick or Harry?
Meanwhile the speedophilia train is viewed from various angles and in brief aerial shots — while complicated flashbacks inform you about the wafer-thin reasons which have driven Mr Bomb (Ajay Devgn) to the brink. His lieutenants (Sameera Reddy and Zayed Khan) keep zipping in and out for action scenes which you’ve seen a thousand times before, on speedboat, bikes. And whoa, there’s even some rafting on the rapids. Such choppy waters in London? Must visit next time.
You’re informed that Bombji had once married a gazillionaire’s daughter (Kangana Ranaut, overwrought), but was deported. Strangely, he returned to team up with those lieutenants, who also happen to be illegal immigrants. Next: They want oodles or euros as ransom, the intention being entirely noble. All that Bombji wants is to help other immigrants and perchance, spend a night clutching his little son to his heart. What kind of justification for unmitigated crime is this?
Questions abound. Why does a Brit goonda fetch up in the London underground drainage system to snarl at both the cop and Bombji? And if Mr Bomb marries a naturalised citizen of the UK, couldn’t he seek legal redress? Why are the cop and his prey-wearing dark glasses in the no-sun, wintry weather? Where does the cop suddenly find a natty hat to wear in the course of his nerve-wracking 14-hour ordeal?
Many more but enough is enough, isn’t it?
The special effects are tacky (note the cop’s leap from a bombed tenement). Mallika Sherawat’s item is nowhere in the league of the Munni and Sheila crowd-pleasers. On the plus side, Thiru’s cinematography is marvellously atmospheric.
So if you don’t see a zero-star, it’s purely because of the camerawork and the acting sparks of Ajay Devgn-Anil Kapoor-Boman Irani.
Bottomwhine: This is more Zzzzzzzz than Tezz.