When I started this column I had no idea that there were so many oppressed men living covertly amongst us and an even larger number of women who would take time out to hunt me down and give me a piece of their mind at the pointy end of their stilettos. To them all I say, thank you. Today I discuss another big problem: Manners: men don’t seem to have any and women, consequently can’t seem to find a man suitable to carry around.
Dear men, as it has been proved, we are all made of mice. Everybody knows that. Cussing in an alpha-male manner, trying to sound gruff like a charged Harley, who are we fooling really? The women already know the truth and gay people laugh at the insecure us anyways. So, it distils down that the only people we put up this hollow display of bravado and machismo for is other men, who are no better. That’s sad. Boys, there was a reason the term chivalry was coined — it was to help men understand that everything which doesn’t come naturally to them is exactly what women want in their ideal man: courtesies, manners, politeness, not farting/burping on demand, stuff like that. It is a hard task to please a woman. This is the only-charted way to win over them. Everything else involves listening and tagging along for shopping. Choose chivalry —the easy way out — or else get ready to tag along to the mall and while discussing why Carrie shouldn’t have left Mr. Big in the first… you get the picture. But dear ladies, in our defence, we live meek defenceless lives under you and yet never utter a word of protest. Being ourselves in our solitary moments is all we have left to remind us that long ago, even before Planet of the Apes happened, we used to rule this land.
If we cuss, it is to build up the stamina we need to endure our slavery to your feline forms.
The farting and burping, all vents, not due to indigestion, just pent-up depression. Allow us an hour of all this a day and we shall emerge all Yogic-ally aligned and arm-candy-able.