It’s an either-or situation. New Year’s Eve means either looking back in anger OR looking forward with affection. Since I’ve succeeded, I think, in how to be positive, here I go imagining 10 top beautiful events which would make Bollywood a paradiso in which to love and let love.
Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan will sign a peace treaty at the Mehboob studio and announce a film together titled Dabangg Ne Bana Di Jodi to be co-directed by themselves since both are repressed directors. Aamir Khan will not be pleased with the détente, he will make it a point to attend Ajay Devgn’s parties. Nice.
Vidya Balan will feature in a pic inspired by the life and continuing success of Ekta Kapoor. The Clean Picture. No one will see it, except perhaps me, since I like Ms Balan. About Ms Kapoor, I am not so sure.
Katrina Kaif will quit wearing hideous outfits in real life, quit advertising for mango drinks as if they were aphrodisiacs, and quit smiling permanently as if her life were a joke book. She will do her first crying scene for the screen.
Sridevi will gain weight, Priyanka Chopra will lose her attitude. And Kareena Kapoor will get married so we don’t have to know about her zero-plus-figure, her Swiss chalet holidays, and how she has done films with all of the Khans. So? So has Rani Mukherji.
Ranveer Singh will learn how to stop giving you the heebie jeebies. Anushka Sharma and Sonakshi Sinha will quit yakking about him if they want to retain their careers.
Madhur Bhandarkar will stop posing for publicity pictures in the midst of shooting his film Heroine. Hopefully, he will announce a project exposing the exploitation of women clothes washers. Suggested title: Dhoban Ghat.
Kangna Ranaut will give up referring to her unpleasant past with Aditya Panscholi. ENOUGH!
Dhoom 3 will at long last be launched. Instead of acting in it, Uday Chopra, will look after its worldwide publicity. He’s an affable guy (off screen).
After marriage, Riteish Deshmukh and Genelia D’Souza, will enrol in an acting school if they still want to continue acting. Deshmukh, a qualified architect, may finally find building homes an altenative career.
Emraan Hashmi will conduct press conferences from the most prominent rooftop of every city to state that he has no objections to kissing. After all, so did Laurence Olivier, Marlon Brando and Robert De Niro. Pout noted.