No babes, no bikinis, just potty

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Kabhi-kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai that the television people are out to murder us all. Haan, sachchi! And not a clean, fatafat death. No. What they have planned for us is a slow, agonising maut, and their weapon of choice is boredom. Don’t believe me? Well, switch on Survivor India (Star Plus). This show is boredom ka brahmastra.

The people behind this show want us to believe that their show is about 22 Indians — 11 celebrities and 11 commoners — who are dumped in two nearby islands of the Philippines for 45 days without TV, phone, clean sheets and bottled water. That tells us that the contestants will be given daily tasks and the team that wins will earn rewards while the losers will be up for elimination, and that, eventually, the last man/woman standing will be the “survivor”. Ha! Reality kuch aur hi hai.
The real challenge here is for hum log, the audience. Agar koi mai ka laal is boredom ko 45 days ke liye lagataar jhel sakta hai and can still string a coherent sentence, then s/he will be garlanded, taaliyon ke saath, and called Survivor.
You know, the last time around the TV people took celebrities to a far away jungle, they at least had some sexy item girls in bikinis and various types of keedas and cretins. Iss Jungle Se Mujhe Bachao (Sony) had Negar Khan and her bheege honth, Shweta Tewari’s waterfall number and Aman Verma’s milky thighs. All very adult, mind-numbing stuff.
But Survivor main na toh bikinis hain, na hot bodies. Yahan par toh sirf boring common people and thakele celebs hain, and all are in long-long kachchas.
Among the celebs, there’s Rajesh Khera and Shilpa Agnihotri, both two-bit TV actors. Then there’s Payal Rohatgi who talks about herself only in third person: “Payal is a very hardworking girl. Ek chingari hai. She is a fighter.” Hairdresser Sylvie who has already been eliminated and other boredom ki samagri.
Among the commoners there’s an NRI, one stuntwoman who got eliminated in the first round, a gargoyle, one annoying fashion designer, a female hockey player, one mental person, a student and others I couldn’t be bothered with. Till now the celebrities have managed to keep their heads straight, win some tasks and get a matchbox and some fruits.
The aam log have won once and spent most of their time discussing potty. Yes, the theme of their island this past week has been “Iski Potty, Uski Potty”. They have been busy examining each other’s potty and holding long, intense discussions over where to potty, when to potty, how to potty and, even, how much to potty.
As I said, the TV people are out to kill us all, bore kar-kar ke.