Sona, chandi, Kalmadi

With the Commonwealth Games round the corner, a lot of foreigners are a little sceptical about the situation and are in need of reassurances.
To educate, enlighten and elucidate them the Central government has come out with a dossier (this is the first dossier in the last seven years which will not be sent to Pakistan), and hopefully this document will help participants regain their confidence.
Here, I am faithfully reproducing this dossier, verbatim, as is, word for word and with a few alterations. Please allow for a few spelling errors:

Dear Phoreigner,
Welcome to the Commonwealth Games. Here are a phew pointers to help you understand both the Games and the sub-kulture that surrounds it. Let’s look at all the relevant points.
w Suresh Kalmadi: He is the most relevant point. Kalmadi himself was a keen sportsperson as a young boy. He excelled at carrom and marbles. He was so proficient, that he played both simultaneously and although he rarely won, he always made money. In fact the phrase, ‘Kalmadi’s got my marbles’, was first heard in his own childhood, which stretched well into his 30s.
Kalmadi’s vision, confidence and entrepreneurship is what drives these Games.
And although he’s not promising any Indian medals, he does promise that every vendor, every single vendor providing goods or services will at the end of the Games be able to build a bungalow at Malabar Hill, pay alimony to three mistresses and send all their illegitimate children to Harvard Business School.
His famous axiom is ‘Forget so­na, forget chandi, make yo­ur money with Suresh Kalmadi’.
w Delhi: The CWG 2010 is to be held in the city of New Delhi. The city is famous for it’s new roads and old ministers. The city of Delhi is being dug up, cut up and surgically operated on. It boasts of 67 stadia that will be completed by the athletes themselves during the course of the CWG. Delhi is famous for its round circular roads that lead nowhere. In fact after spending nine years trying to get off the Ring Road, the famous playwright Samuel Beckett, in complete abject frustration penned his Waiting for Godot, a story based loosely on a Jat businessman whose life seems to be nowhere. Delhi has great sights and sounds. The sights include the Red Fort and the Qutab Minar. The sounds include the sound of gunfire in cars and women screaming in fear at night. The bad news is while some of the female foreign athletes are in for a hard time, the more aggressive athletes will feel right at home.
w Public Transport: The CWG will transport athletes in large buses. This means two things.
1. Athletes will get to watch pe­ople get run over on a daily basis.
2. Many athletes, on the basis of being mere passengers, will face charges of being accessories to murder.
3. After riding these buses athletes will find their sporting events to be too mundane and boring.
w Sheila Dikshit: She is the chief minister of New Delhi. She is still to be informed that the CWG is to be held in Delhi this October. Athletes who meet with her are requested to continue to keep this a secret.
w The Queen: The head of the CWG is the Queen of England. However, if the Games clash with the English Premier League, or Wayne Rooney’s hooker shenanigans then the Queen skips the CWG.
w In such a case the Queen is replaced with a local Queen, in Delhi that’ll be Shreemati Sonia Gandhi.
w As some disciplines will be held in Noida, Uttar Pradesh, athletes will have to be made aware of some Uttar Pradesh-centric details, such as Uttar Pradesh is ruled by one May­awati. If one stares at a May­awati statue for long, the athlete will get a severe headache. If on the other hand the athlete stares at Mayawati for long, the head will not be the only body part under severe stress.
Long distance runners and wa­lkers must keep toll money with them for entering and ex­i­ting Uttar Pradesh. Finally, no matter what the results, Ma­ya­w­ati may change them ac­c­or­d­i­ng to her will even after the po­dium ceremony is completed.
w Swimming costumes: As floods continue to flourish in north India, all athletes are notified to carry their swimming trunks as floods can cause bridges, roads, even stadia to give way at any time. Those taking part in the swimming and acquatic disciplines are required to wear their swimming costumes at all time, as aquatic events may be held whenever the floods are in order to make a positive out of a negative situation.
Last but not the least, India and Delhi specifically must be enjoyed. Athletes must make the most of their visit here. They must take back beautiful memories that last for a lifetime. If not beautiful memories then, they must shop well and return with great artifacts, fabrics, carpets and momentos. If they don’t have time for all this they may take back some of the other stuff that Delhi has to offer, such as diarrhoea, dysentery, cholera, typhoid, jaundice, dengue and various veneral skin diseases.
Dear Phoreigner, please enjoy your stay and don’t forget we are a poor country that needs your support, trust and love. You can give us that by contributing to the KCF (Kalmadi Charitable Fund) before you depart from our shores. Minimum contribution is 50 euros. By doing so, your contribution will allow us to feed a village... er a family … er a person, actually one specific person. It’s great Karma from the land of Karma.

Your phaitfully,Central Govt of India Kalmadi Estates,
Gurgaon, Haryana, Sector-421