Is Santa a fashion victim from Navi Mumbai?

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Dec. 13: "Can I pull the beard?" my son innocently asked me the other day. At first I thought he was talking about the wife’s… er beard. But at closer examination and with some continuous research which wholly consisted of me repeating the phrase "whose beard, whose beard?" I found out that he was talking about Santa Claus.

This led my son and me having a frank discussion in which we touched upon three topics dear to our hearts: Firstly, do women have beards? Secondly, does Santa have a beard? Thirdly, if one and two are true, is Santa a woman?

Puzzled as we were, I decided to research this whole Santa Claus phenomenon, and these are my findings that are to be published by Rupa Publications the moment the publication can locate the whereabouts of Rupa.

Santa Claus was born in Saararhal (presently Navi Mumbai) in the year 1374. His birth has been accurately put down to the 21st of March, the 31st of March, the 4th of October, 7th of October or any of the 30 days of November. Whatever it is, he is clearly not June born.

Santa’s father was named Mr Claus, but folks around the taluka used to call him Babul which was later shortened to just "B" by the fashionable and hep America-returned set.

Babul or B was a cobbler by profession but since he was allergic to leather he closed the business and became a game warden. It is at this job that he met the future Mrs Claus. The initial meeting was anything but pleasant. Suspecting her to be a water buffalo that had wandered from the herd, he prodded her repeatedly, none too gently, on her behind with his lathi. Her response was to thrash him within an inch of his life. Permanently scarred and traumatised, Babul was in obviously just the right frame of mind to get married. And marry they did. First to a whole load of other people, but eventually to one another. The couple begot seven children who were promptly named after every day of the week. Tuesday Claus was considered a real beauty. Thursday on the other hand was the black Claus of the family. It was their eighth child who shot to fame and prominence, first as an investment banker and then, as the financial markets dried up, as a party tricks organiser and finally as a fat guy in a red suit who gave presents to all the kids in the village. Initially his formula was simple. He went to a neighbouring village and stole all the presents from the kids there. These in turn he distributed in his village. As he gained popularity he added a bell and sock on his head which was a real fashion statement in the Navi Mumbai of that time. Keep in mind Santa’s was a paid job initially. He charged 10 per cent of the present’s cost, VAT, service charge, gratuity... Most parents having used his service once swore never to use it again.

However, Santa became a big hit with the kids and soon he started franchising and branching further, first in India then the world. Everywhere kids spoke of Santa Claus. Some, especially those in communist countries, started dressing up as him, minus the bell. You see communist countries, unlike capitalist ones, have a no-noise-after-seven policy. That probably explains why Himesh is still to have a concert in North Korea.

As you switch on to the X’mas season please remember the man who spread the message of joy. No no, not the postman, who couldn’t get an off on the 25th. I refer to the old bearded gent they call Claus, Santa Claus.

Oh yes, you may have a tug of the ol’ beard.