Poor old Hosni

You know, the media has been quite unfair about this whole Egypt thingamajig. I mean, poor old President Hosni Mubarak. He is really not all that bad. So, a couple of journalists got stopped around, but don’t blame Mr Mubarak for that, it’s not like he slapped CNN’s Anderson Cooper. He wasn’t even there. And for the record, what kind of person has a surname as a first name? “Anderson Cooper”. That’s two surnames. Unthinkable in civilised times. Compare this with Hosni Mubarak. “Hosni” is a perfectly acceptable first name and “Mubarak” is as pretty a surname as there is out there. Quite frankly, I am sick of all this distorted, one-sided news reports. Let’s look at this from the right perspective.
Let’s get the record straight, Mr Cooper!
Let’s look back at the week. Five days ago while a million misguided people took to their square just to get rid of one guy, just one guy of his job, what was this poor one guy doing?
Well let me fill you in. Mr Mubarak woke up at 10.35 am (Egyptian Standard Time), bright and early and did what he always did. He made sure nobody saw him naked. This, he did by putting on his favourite pair of long johns which had actual rose petals embroidered on it. He then did his first act of charity — he fed the pigeons. Actually no one is sure if the pigeons actually ate. In fact, no one is really sure if there are any pigeons in Cairo.
Be that as it may be, Hoz (he likes that name) flung rice out of his window in a selfless act of charity. This immediately struck a chord with everyone except the sentry who didn’t like to have to repeatedly clean his uniform. Hoz then did what only a prudent, conscientious sincere man would do. He closed the window. However, on that particular day he didn’t remove his forefinger in time and this resulted in a very high-pitched scream that terrified the wary sentry and scared away the pigeons. (If, of course, there were any pigeons in the first place).
Hoz then, being the man he was, fell on the ground, blue in the face and rolled continuously like an unopened carpet across the length and breadth of his 4,000 square-metre room. After 15 minutes of this uninterrupted activity, Hoz got up. However, he got up too quickly and banged his head against the large massage table. This was a crippling blow. A lesser man would have yelped but Mr Mubarak did much more. He screamed, yelled and screamed again. Next came the tears like a crescendo. In a trice he got hold of himself. This he did by first removing the long johns. Mr Mubarak — with that pragmatic mind of his — figured out that the long johns were bringing him bad luck. He instead switched to a black leather bathrobe that his friend Muammar Gaddafi had given him during his last visit to Libya.
Mr Gaddafi was in the habit of giving hats initially as gifts but withdrew this practice when his friends started worrying about the possibility of explosives being hidden in them. He then started gifting the leather bathrobe. A gift unparalleled in the history of the world.
Once snugly ensconced in his bathrobe, Hoz put on his PA system and announced a meeting for his 427 servants. The servants gathered below and watched their master’s every word on a giant television screen, which was the size of Libya.
Unfortunately, while announcing the tasks for the day which included his manicure, pedicure, massage, tongue scrapping and royal bath, his bathrobe came undone.
The 427 servants were treated to the very best of Mr mubarak. For many of them (being foreigners) it was like the first time they saw the Pyramids. Sadly Hoz didn’t react well to the exposure. And he did what he does when he gets into a rage — he flung the leather bathrobe out of the window much to the chagrin of the unsuspecting sentry. He then started kicking and punching everything in sight, which was mainly pillows.
As the video screen was still on, this visual treat was added to what was appearing to be an unusually good day for the staff. Finally something caught Hoz’s attention. Luckily for all the servants watching the TV screen, it was a pair of pants. And while they all but fit him, it did solve the problem of covering the best of Mr mubarak. To calm his nerve Mr Mubarak took out his favourite rifle, opened the window and started firing randomly. No one knows the result of this episode except to say that the sentry has been missing.
Now whilst Hoz was having an extremely normal morning running the country, one million unemployed vagrants set about defaming this noble man in Tahrir Square knowing fully well that Tahrir seats only 40,000. Before you condemn this man, think — can a man in a black leather bathrobe who sleeps in the nude and selflessly feeds pigeons be capable of gruesome, heinous horrors he’s been accused of? Can he?
Now Anderson Cooper, that’s another story.