In a recent case study, a man, Raj, was dejected after the love of his life, Sonam, chose another man over him and moved to the US. Raj became a recluse, lost interest in his social life and girls and spent all his time at a bar; forlornly glancing at photos of him and Sonam. Raj’s state may be called Loveshock, which means a psychological state of numbness post the loss of love. Sadly, many fall prey to the pitfalls of Loveshock. Love pitfalls (common Loveshock mistakes) are destructive behaviour patterns that one acts out as a reaction to the loss of love. Prof. Stephen Gullo, who is associated with the Department of Behavioural Sciences at the Columbia University, categorised the pitfalls and they include:
1 Hanging on: Not wanting to let go of the relationship mentally, emotionally or physically. This is acted out in three stages.
a. Obsessive thinking: Being unable to focus on anything other than one’s ex-mate. Accidental meetings are arranged, letters of remorse are sent, etc.
b. Revenge loving: The “victim” who is hurt at being rejected, considers himself/herself as a rejectee and hastily jumps into another relationship.
c. Magnifying: Self-pity is at the core of this pitfall. The “victim” convinces himself/herself that his ex is having a great time while he is the one suffering.
2 Rebounding: The forlorn lovers indulge in numerous relationships to avoid emotional pain.
3 Moth-to-flame: Although rejected, the rejectee begs to be taken back and tries to reintegrate himself or herself into the former lover’s life.
4 Escaping through excesses: Resorting to drugs and alcohol to numb pain (as Devdas chose) and to compensate for one’s love loss.
5 Comparison shopping: In a new relationship constant comparisons are made to the former lover in a bid to avoid being vulnerable to pain again or to look for excuses to reject the new lover as he or she does not match up to the ex.
Remember that you are responsible only for your behaviour in a relationship. You cannot make the other person change his/her behaviour unless they want to. Recognise these pitfalls so that you may learn to cope and move on.
The writer is a sexologist.
You can mail him at dr.narayana@deccanmail.com [1].
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