‘I felt unwanted and that hurt a lot’

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Fate they say plays a very crucial role in our lives. At times it can turn cruel too. I, for one, was a victim of a cruel twist of fate. I had it all going for me — a dream run on the field and love and affection from scores of fans.
In a flash, all that came crashing on a fateful night in September 2003. I had just returned from the Champions Trophy and we had a couple of days rest before the Asia Cup tournament. A day before I was to leave for a photo shoot in New Delhi, I had gone out for dinner with some friends. I was on my way home, when an autorickshaw came towards my car from the wrong side, and in an attempt to avoid colliding with the autorickshaw; I crashed into an electricity pole. I never thought that an outing with my friends would change my life forever.
The crash left me severely injured. Nothing was in my control. I was very upset those days, but I was lucky to be alive. My thigh bone had broken into three pieces, and my elbow was badly wounded.
For 14 months, I was bedridden. I was frustrated. I just wanted to get up, pick up my hockey stick and get on to the field. But I could barely walk. I could not do undo what had happened.
Although people sympathised with me, behind my back they spoke about how I would never be able to play again. My
teammates would visit me and cheer me up. They would say I would be back on the field soon. However, given the severity of my injuries, I knew the truth.
We were a couple of weeks away from the Asia Cup when the accident occurred. It was my dream to be at the event. I wanted to don the Indian colours and perform, but couldn’t. I spoke to my teammates, and they said they would win the tournament for me.
They came back as winners, and visited me in the hospital. The moment they put the gold medal around my neck was very emotional. They told me my place in the team was intact. That gave me the motivation to recover.
I tried to regain my power and intensity. My family, friends and fans supported me. When I was able to walk, I went to the United States for advanced surgeries. In 2004, there was a national camp in the US, which I attended to regain confidence. I tried my best and worked hard. I made a comeback once, but could not keep my place in the national team. It was not impossible, but I was never given the time to settle in. I was returning after two years, but people wanted me to peak immediately, and that was not possible.
For a while, I stopped attending camps because I went there with a lot of support from people, but at the end I would be sent back. I felt unwanted in camps and that hurt me a lot.
It wasn’t easy at all. Those days, I would just vent out my frustration at people, especially my parents and friends, because I was not being given the
time to regain my earlier form.
Back then, I was offered coaching assignments with the national women’s team and the junior men’s team, but I refused to accept these offers, because I wanted to continue playing and I lived with the hope that I could make a comeback.
However, by the end of 2006, the writing was on the wall. I was called for the World Cup camp in Germany that year. However, after a few days all of a sudden, I was told that I had to go back as I was not in the team. I wanted to stay back and watch the event at my own expense and I wasn’t allowed to do that too. That was when I realised my career was over.
I was very hurt because I didn’t deserve what had happened to me. I was trying my best to play for my country again, but those at the helm of affairs had plans to keep me out.
Now, the coaching assignments have come as a second chance for me, and I want to make the most of it. I see this as an opportunity to serve my country again, and I don’t want to let go of it. I was always a patriotic team player, and I want to remain like that.
Instead of sitting at home and brooding all the time, I want to put my past behind me, and help mould the future stars of our country.

As told to Manuja Veerappa