Striking the right balance
Yes, I know that clingy feeling only too well. You’re in love, and every minute is either a thought or a feeling about the loved one, and it occupies every minute of your being alive. You are in love!
Another scenario — you’re married and your life is about the spouse and the house. Chores, dinners, friends… your entire life is filled with ‘together’ things. It’s all about and being engulfed by your life partner. For better or for worse, until death do you apart!
While these situations sound ideal, they may not be always true. The truth, I believe, is quite the opposite. Did you ever stop and think about what you found fascinating about your partner? To retain that magic, the most important thing is ‘me’ time. Too much clinginess and you are just ‘half-a-couple’, joined at the hip.
The trick is to strike a fine balance, because total independence from your spouse can spell disaster and lead to your drifting apart. However, your partner cannot be there only to be a shoulder to cry on, or as your sounding board. Bonding is what it is all about, both in happy and sad times. Spend some time apart, taking in a movie with the girls or, at a bar with the boys. Go to the school re-union, where the spouse could be a misfit. Some time apart is natural, and important, to make the relationship lifelong.
To feel like a prisoner with a cellmate, never nurturing your own soul along with your friends, is actually unhealthy. The need to spend some time alone is inherent in a human being. Times have changed since when your parents thought of themselves as half-a-couple. We live in demanding, competitive times,where having a personality and a point of view of your own is important to keep the spark alive and keep you contextual.
To think of yourself as responsible for your own happiness is what our generation has grown up with, so to expect some personal space when you are in a relationship is not unnatural. Giving the space kindles in you a new respect for your partner. It disallows you to vent freely, and to mete out just any behaviour to your partner. You become mindful of your partner’s feelings and take delight in the time spent together.
Having her listen to you when you speak, hanging on to every word; having her wait for you when you work long hours — that can only happen when you give her independence and respect her space, and also give yourself some time out with the boys.
Do you want him to look at you with admiration? Allow him to do his thing occasionally, while you head out for rambunctious cocktails with the girls.
The bottom line is you cannot force love and longing. It has to emanate from within.
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