I am a 35-year-old single woman. I have issues with my father who is very stubborn, irresponsible and always believes, trusts and depends on outsiders for everything and doesn’t discuss anything with the family.
He is a person who just wants to live only for himself and always thinks about himself. For him, it’s only his happiness and pleasure that comes first and last. He has never shown his love for us. He even forgot his responsibilities as a father. He is not even worried about my marriage. But still he has no regrets for any of his mistakes. My life is spoilt and shattered in every way possible. Not only with regard to marriage but also in many other ways due to my father. I no longer wish to have any kind of relationship and communication with this so-called “father” who is good for nothing, I am planning to break all ties and leave the house. Please advise.
Anonymous
A. I am truly sorry about your situation. And that you feel so much anxiety regarding your father’s behaviour. We look up to our parents to anchor us and are sometimes unhappy that they don’t. We also have an image of how a parent must be and we get lost and confused and disappointed with our parents when they fail to live up to that image.
However, if you treat your father like an individual and a friend, you may feel differently about him. Sometimes people are unhappy about their parents because they impose their opinions and decisions on them or decide the career choice for them. But you cannot change a person. What one can do is adapt. If your father has loved and protected you in every other way, then maybe you could accept him for the person that he is. I am sure you have your friends and your life as well. Somehow I feel you could have great friendship with him.
If there are other serious issues that you have not mentioned in your mail, I would suggest that you move out. If his lifestyle makes you uncomfortable or causes you trauma, then you could also speak with your relatives who could in turn have a conversation with your dad.
I understand that you are upset with him regarding your marriage etc. but it is not possible to turn back time. Yes, I respect the way you feel but I think if you were to look at all the positives in your life, you could lead your life in a different way. It is a habit one has to make and choose a way of life. It will take you the same effort that it takes to not think positively.
I respect your situation and after you decide what you want to do, I would also want you to choose being happy and making that a habit.
Readers can send their queries to askanupam@anupamkhercompany.com