Bigger but not better

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Jaise har saal Diwali aati hai, rainy season mein keede-patange aate hain, vaise hi, at the onset of winter, har saal Bigg Boss (Colors) bhi aate hain.

Saat saal ho gaye hain, you know, BB ko. If Salman Khan had committed to a girl, by now Salim saab would have had a nanha-munha chhota Salman playing and tearing off his shirt in dadaji’s balcony.
But no, Sallu would rather commit to this salana-jalsa than to a woman. Chalo, apna-apna style hai.
This year’s Bigg Boss is based on a contemptible concept: Split the inmates from day one. Half of them have been put in Jannat, i.e. a place which has gaddas on real beds, kitchen with food, white paint on walls and ugly decoration items; and the other half have been shoved into Jahannum, i.e. behind jail-ki-salakein, no kitchen, aluminium bartans, no beds etc.
Hai, as if it was one big happy family for six years that the show people have decided to do this. Day one se hi syappas started. Jahannum-wasis throw nazron se teer on each and every inmate of Jannat, while the Jannat-wasis keep taking out these teers from their bums and screaming “Ui, ma! Why?”
Actually, it’s much worse than that. Both Jannat and Jahannum-wasis are being tortured equally. The Jannus have to cook for the Jahannus, and the Jannus can only sit or sleep when the Jahannus do some vertical chakki-peesing and peesing and peesing. So obviously, fights have erupted. And given the antecedents of this gang of 14, we can only expect the worst. Take a look.
There is, in the octogenarian category, Rajesh Khanna’s last known girlfriend, Ms Anita Advani. That’s her one-line CV. She’ll be out before Diwali.
There’s Armaan Kohli, son of producer-director Rajkumar Kohli. Since daddyji gave us the original Nagin and Jaani Dushman, desh ko Armaan se bahut umeedein hain.
There’s wrestler Sangram Singh who sometimes likes to pose wearing just one patta on his boota. He’s the Hanumanji of the gang and will, at some point soon, find his tail on fire.
Then there’s this very annoying couple who keep kissing each other, like kabootars — Apurva and Shilpa Agnihotri. Shilpaji is bitchy type and will last longer than her dull husband.
Show mein, as usual, bahut sare TV actors and item girls hain. Ratan Rajput, who plays Laali in Agle Janam Mohe Bitiya Hi Kijo, Kamya Punjabi and Kushal Tendon from the telly, and Elli Avram, a Swedish actress who debuts in Mickey Virus, item girl Hazel Keech and Tanishaa, sister of Kajol.
These guys will fade away quickly because bigger and better kaminas are already showing their asli colours. Girls like Pratyusha Banerjee, who plays Anandi, and Gauhar Khan — model, actress, item girl and India’s answer to Kim Kardashian. She, poor thing, lost her shirt en route to Bigg Boss' house and arrived only in a bra. She has since been sent clothes, but is sure to lose them and walk around nangu-pangu.
The other guy who is always talking of taking off stuff is VJ Andy. His tantrums will result in many educational videos on YouTube.
Aah, there’s also Rajat Rawail, producer of Ready who played the role of Tsunami Singh in Bodyguard. His CV says that he loves food and children. Looking at his size, it is possible that he may have eaten some of the children he’s fond of.
Kalesh, fights, tantrums and tears. The show promises the usual, only with lesser stars. There’s a creepy, seedy tinge to the proceedings this time, including Salman bhai. I’m thinking ki main Haridwaar ho hi aaon. In logon ke toh nahin, at least mere paap, accumulated over the years by watching this show, will get washed.