Marital discord toh is so passé. Aaj kal toh pre-marital discord ka fashion hai. Jahan dekho wahan couples are struggling to stay together till the caterer cuts pyaaz-lassan. Tanav ke kaaran? Anything and everything: He is very busy; he is always at home. She is very homely; she wears tiny clothes. She is a social climber; he is a social embarrassment. She has an ex; he has a side dish. She beats me; he beats me. She is after my money; he is after my body.

So what do naye zamane ke couples do to sort out their syappas and figure out whether or not theirs is a rab ki banai jodi? Well, they head for Love Lockup (UTV Bindaas). Now, if you are vaguely familiar with the social causes that this particular channel takes up, you’ll know that they live for the cretins and off the cretins. The lowliest the better.
First, to dredge out cretins, they created Emotional Attyachaar (EA), and now the channel creative heads are on Step II in their cretins ki khoj. They have created a room where cretins old and new can give their prem one last chance. Some of these cretins, you see, have been fighting because of previous shenanigans on EA, and some because they have recently discovered that they are in a relationship with a cretin and must do something about it — like try and change the cretin into a creature pleasant and pleasurable. But since they themselves are cretins, their partner cretins begin to vomit the moment delusional cretins hurl a piece of advice or gyaan at them. Sarcastic vomiting makes delusional cretins very angry and they end up biting partner cretins. This triggers uncontrollable shaking and rage in the bitten cretins and they lunge and start to nibble at the faces of delusional cretins.
It’s in this state of agitated nibbling at each other that cretin couples arrive at the mini jail where one Pravesh Rana welcomes them, talks to them and then makes faces to tell us that he’s not happy with all the nibbling that’s going on.
One cretin Prashant, who was caught canoodling with another on EA by his girlfriend Rishina, herself a delusional cretin, were recent occupants of the double-bed in the lock-up. After they were done nibbling each other, some celebrity cretins arrived — Kashmera Shah and Krushna Abhishek, Aryan Vaid and his wife Alexandra Copley. All at their cretinous best, nibbling at each other, sometimes gently, but mostly to draw blood.
One episode I watched recently had a cretin couple from Punjab — Cretin Navraj and Cretin Kiran (CN, CK). Before Mr Pravesh could say hello-howdy, CK started barking, and CN kept raising his furry hand to slap CK. Mr Pravesh excused himself and left CK to bark and CN to slap and shout “teri beep, meri beep, uski beep, sabki beep...” So it went, she barking, he slapping, she... After a while, the channel people realised that this slapping and bow-bowing is far too monotonous, so they threw in CN’s friend and CK’s girlfriend.
Lewd and lesbian accusations were made, female cretins went lip-to-lip, but soon CN-CK returned to their barking-slapping routine. This is when the channel people got bored and evicted the couple, saying, “...because we strongly condemn all kinds of abuse — physical, verbal or emotional”. He he he. This is like Ravana saying, I took Sita for a spin because I wanted some gardening tips.